so let's talk penis.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
