We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
