I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
