It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
