Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
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