If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize