Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
A bitchslap is in order.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
