Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
