Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
