I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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