The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
