I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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