I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Houston, we have a squirter
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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