I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
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Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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