bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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