I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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