What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
please don't ironically join a cult
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