how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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