Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
