Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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