I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
