he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
When did angry sex become our thing?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
