Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
