I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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