My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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