Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
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