I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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