I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
