I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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