Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
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