70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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