tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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