Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
