i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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