Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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