i wish starbucks made bloody marys
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
