Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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