I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
