I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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