My friends, they love my intelligence
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
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I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
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Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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