if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
