Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
