this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
be right there i have to get my cape
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Randomize
