I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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