tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Randomize
