it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
babies were throwing up all over the place
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
