I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
