I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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