My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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