I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
