I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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