so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
