We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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