Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
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