I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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